In January, of this year, my good friend and mentor Lil, decided that I needed to do my 12 steps.
She's pretty much right when it comes to most things in my life, another reason why she is my mentor. And don't even get me started on how grateful I am for her<3
So me and my other dear friend Nicole Tieche, decided to embark on this journey together, just the 3 of us. We met every Wednesday morning at 8 am, every week. NO CALLING IN SICK. EVERR!
I really wasn't sure about what to expect since I had been going through counseling, bible studies, small groups, life groups, cell groups, etc.. etc for the past 10 years. I didn't have a clue that this was going to change my life, and the way I had experienced it, forever.
You see someone, great, once told me that God does his best work in dark places (David Tieche).
AND, I was in a very dark place in January.
I was still mourning the loss of my church, that I had been attending for the past 16 years and coming to terms that since we had left, my life completely changed.
My friends changed, my future changed my hopes and dreams felt like they were shattered AND through all of this we were newly pregnant with baby #4. Honestly, we just felt alone.
It literally had felt like one of the darkest places that I had been in, since coming back to the Lord in 2004. I mean why would God do this to us, we had been faithfully serving and doing what we thought we were supposed to be doing. I thought I was doing everything right. I thought I was living the good life. I thought that I was doing "God's will."
I didn't know this at the time, but I was waaaaaay off course.
When we first started meeting I always felt a little beat up when I left. Not by anything Lil and Nicole would say. In fact they were the most gentle and most loving ladies that I got blessed with to embark on this scary journey.
It was more by myself. It was more of recounting my past week, and having to throw up all the junk that had been going on in my life.
Watching a UFC match was for the weak. Going to CR week after week and having to talk about the worst parts of yourself, was for the rare and brave.
And then having to do that in front of other people.. *^&#$%^#!! Talk about eating a piece of HUMBLE PIE!
Saying things like "Ya, I screamed at my children.. I overspent at Target and we went overdrawn in our account.. I avoid certain family members because they make me feel like choking them out!''
You know? The norm. Im sure no one else feels this way, just me. :)
Slowly, I was being chipped away. All my darkness all my secrets all my shame.... all being chipped away. And it felt so good. It felt free.
James 5:16 says,
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
There is so much truth to that verse.
SIDE NOTE:
There was a family that I knew, that rented this beautiful house. Little by little her three daughters were getting severely sick, developing asthma, pretty soon everyone was suffering. They couldn't figure out what it was until they had their house inspected.
Come to find out there was black mold growing inside their walls, basically everywhere. They couldn't see the black mold. It was behind these beautiful walls. But they knew something was toxic making them extremely ill.
The thing is black mold is deathly and grows in dark places. I mean, the stuff spreads like wild fire in the dark. Once its exposed to the light it becomes dormant. hmmm... exposed to the LIGHT!!
My point is...
The black mold that grows inside our lives, can make us deathly sick.
The stuff no one else can see.
Once we are able to expose the darkest part of our hearts to people that love us and are willing to help us through the recovery process, we can get the healing we so rightly need.
The past six months I was able to experience the healing that I needed.
I was able to be honest with these two beautiful women and they graciously helped me get through some of the darkest moments in my life.
But, more importantly I was able to be honest with myself. I was able to receive forgiveness from me.
Ya, I had made some mistakes in my journey. Mistakes that I had told myself were unforgivable. I believed the lie.. I was damaged goods.
Somehow my great Savior was able to let me know that I was lovable and worth it.
That this was all part of my story that He could use to help others, others who had gone through tragedies and brokenness just like me.
I am so grateful for God choosing me to have gone through all the things that I was able to, even the painful ones so that I can testify that He truly does "Make all things new." (Rev 21:15)
Tonight I get my chip. Not potato chip. My freedom chip that says "I completed my 12 steps!"
I'm sure there are lots of other steps that I need to make in my life but I was brave enough to do the first 12 with my sistas and God's help.
I hope this little part of my life inspires you to be brave. Brave in a way that you are willing to fight the good fight and dig a little deeper to find a place where you can get rid of the black mold in your heart. For me, that was my Wednesday mornings with my warrior sista's!
I leave you with this...
Getting healing hurts, because you have to recount the past and dig through the garbage, all worth it to have that peace.
Camille out!
xx
These are my brave warrior lady sista's at our "Celebration Breakfast!"
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