Hello 2015!

Has it really been six months since I have written anything? Yes, yes it has.

That's what happens when you have a newborn. You just completely forget about the outside world. But.. I CAN tell you when my son's last poopy diaper was. I also could tell you that my two year old has to pee because I can see her in the corner of my eye doing the "potty dance" TMI? Sorry not sorry. #MomLife

It is time to say goodbye to 2014!! Yay for that. I don't know about you, but 2014 was probably one of the hardest years the Fielders had endured. It was not fun. In fact it was very painful. But, where there is pain, there is growth. It seems that's the only way I grow these days. Last January Jason and I were planting our roots (very painfully) into a new church family. I remember we had just pulled in the parking lot, Jason grabbed my hand and said "WE ARE GOING TO GET PLANTED HERE!" Then, he looked at me and finished with "Now, go and get to know people." Oh that made me laugh so hard because we both know that I'm the social butterfly out of the two. Although, at the time I was literally terrified and crying. I was so scared to go to a new church. It's like building a whole new life. Everything in our lives before was surrounded by our old church.. and I mean EVERYTHING. Looking back that was a very dangerous place to be in (putting our security in people and not God) and I am so grateful He showed us that.

We started attending our new church and everything was just so foreign to us. I mean, we liked it. It was just different. The worship music was different, the teaching was different, the people were different. Nobody knew who we were. We didn't hear the "Hey Jason,  how's business going?" Because no one knew us, our lives or anything for that matter. We felt lost. Going to the same church for over ten years, well, needless to say we were known, we were loved and we were "comfortable" a little too comfortable. The kind of comfortable that when you are sitting on the couch and you can't find the remote, so you just end up watching Frozen after your kids have left the room. YIKES! I don't think, comfort is one of the fruits of the Spirit. Ya, I'm pretty sure it isn't. So if you are sitting comfortable right now.. BE WARE!! Comfort is not something we should be seeking. Jesus is what we should be seeking, always.

We knew it was going to be a long journey in meeting new people and quite frankly we weren't really open to it. We had met some really great people at our last church, it was going to be hard to top that. We were pregnant with Maverick and had 3 other kids.. who has the time to meet new people when you are a family SIX!! Ain't nobody go time for that!
However, after about six months attending our new church I finally met a friend, but actually I already knew her from before so I don't know if that counts, BUT to me it was like meeting a new friend. Her name is Faith. Sometimes in life all you need is a little Faith:) Through her, I got connected and started to lead worship for the Junior High youth group, which is where I currently am every Saturday night. I love it. I love the people I serve with. I love our youth Pastor and his wife<3 I mean it's been challenging to have a worship team that is all going through puberty, but it's where the Lord has me now and I'm ok with that.
The Junior High Ministry is off the chain people!! Seriously. Our thirteen year old son Sage, had been going through a lot as well, to the point of major embarrassment and denying he was ours. I gotta tell you Les, his youth pastor, was so gracious with him and us. He came along side us and helped us grow to be better parents to Sage as he was going through this rough season. It was exactly what we needed, and we were exactly where we needed to be. Who knew walking in to this that this was something that Sage was in desperate need of. The Lord knew. He always does.
Sage is thriving now. We are so grateful to God for the Junior High Ministry at Westgate.
Celeste has been getting involved as well, helping me lead worship, assisting the band and just being there with us helping us chase after Berlin. Jason kind of takes place as our protecter at youth. He's like a bouncer who sits in the back making sure everyone is safe, except he doesn't carry a weapon...actually don't quote me on that. Maverick does nothing.

Transition can be rough. Seasons can be hard, but seasons are just seasons. They aren't forever. Change is inevitable. When you obey, when you are obedient and listen to God even through all your pain and maybe not understand what He is doing at the time. There is a reason, you may not know or ever know that reason but trusting God through it all .. it's a life changer. The good kind.

One of my favorite verses as a kid has been revealing itself again to me and has taken on such truth and promise for me this past year.
Proverbs 3:5&6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight.

I am excited for 2015! For new beginnings, for new seasons. Some big changes are happening this year for the Fielders. STAY TUNED!



p.s If you attend our previous church.. thank you for loving us and checking in on us and being there for us even when we didn't see each other every week. That meant the world. You know who you are. It helped us through our darkest days.

p.p.s Oh and in case your are wondering we have met some pretty phenomenal people at the church we attend now. God is good.

He will cut you!

My good friend Gina and I would always use the Bonquiqui phrase, "I WILL CUT YOU!"
We said it so much!! All the time!!
A little too much.
It got to the point that our small kids started saying it.. over and over.. in public.. to us.. and to everyone. (hijole)
Not so funny anymore when you're in Target and your kid asks for goldfish, you say no, then they respond with "I will cut you!" I mean, that didn't happen to me but I heard that it happened to my friend and her daughter! (Shh! I didn't tell you.)
We were young mom's, we didn't have a clue:)

And let's be honest, getting cut or stabbed hurts! I mean, I was never stabbed by an actual knife, but one time I stepped on a needle and that hurt like a really bad word. I almost died. Not really. But I thought I was dead.

EH HEM...BACK TO MY CUTTING STORY!

Anytime there is anything sharp near me, I kind of freak out a little or a lottle!! I'm a wimp. I'd much rather be in a gi choke while I slowly pass out. It's much less painful for me.

Which brings me to one of my least favorite verses in the Bible.. John 15:2. Now, I did hear once that you can't have a "least favorite verse" but the verses that cause my stomach to turn a little because I don't want to actually live them out in my life.. well ya.. that makes it hard, which makes it one of my least favorite verses. So there!

John 15:2
He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful


He. Cuts. Off.
Let's just stop right there and agree that anything that is getting "cut off" might actually cause us some pain.

If I were a tree and one of my branches were getting cut off (from my tree body) well I suspect that would hurt a lot.

Also, at this point, I don't mind that it wasn't bearing any fruit because it was a part of me.

I mean we all do that right? It's ok that this part of my life is not bringing any thing good or fruitful to any part of my bones... JUST DON'T TAKE IT AWAY BECAUSE IT WILL HURT SO BAD!!

Let's face it, that's how some of us live. We don't like it when he takes things away, even things that are dead (not bearing fruit...relationships, job, churches, finances, food... you get the pic)

Can I get an AMEN?? Not yet? Too soon? Ok. Bear with me.. get it bear? HAHA

EH HEM BACK TO MY STORY!! PAY ATTENTION YOU'RE LOSING ME AND MY ADD IS KICKING IN...

Every time I get a hair cut my hair grows twice as fast. Why? because Im Mexican! JK. Because, when you cut away the dead, new life can grow.

What is the Lord trying to cut out of your life that you are still holding on to?
Is it out of fear? Comfort?
Why are you afraid to let the God of the universe take something away, that is causing no fruit in your life, out? Only to replace it with life!
Do you trust him?
Do you want to live in his abundance?

These are all the questions that I've had to ask myself.
I realized I was scared. I was scared of what people thought of me if I stopped doing what I've always done. I was scared that it was going to hurt. I was scared of change. I was scared of people's reactions. I was scared of people getting mad at me and the list of "being scared" goes on.

But then I started to live, breathe, and study the word of God and do you know what it says?

Isaiah 41:10 Fear not for I am with you

Psalms 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me and your rod and your staff they comfort me

Psalms 27:1 The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life, whom shall I be afraid?

Psalms 118:6 The Lord is with me, I will not be afraid

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous do not be terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you, he will never leave nor forsake you


I can keep going but I think you know where I'm getting at.
I had to make a choice. Was I going to allow fear choke me or allow God to prune me.

Proverbs 9:10 says: The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge..
and to tell you the truth, I fear God way more than I do man's opinions of me.

I leave you with this. I am praying for you and the decisions that you need to make to allow God to have his way in your life, to cut anything that he needs to so that you can bear good fruit. So that you can walk and live the abundant life. The life that the Lord intended for you. I pray that you will not be afraid but to be brave and walk boldly in his will for your life.

Thank you for letting me share my heart this morning. Going on this journey with others seems to help being brave!

Camille out.

12 steps isn't just for drug addicts

It's also for people like me, who seem to be hitting road blocks in her life since the 80's:)

In January, of this year, my good friend and mentor Lil, decided that I needed to do my 12 steps.

She's pretty much right when it comes to most things in my life, another reason why she is my mentor. And don't even get me started on how grateful I am for her<3

So me and my other dear friend Nicole Tieche, decided to embark on this journey together, just the 3 of us. We met every Wednesday morning at 8 am, every week.  NO CALLING IN SICK. EVERR!

I really wasn't sure about what to expect since I had been going through counseling, bible studies, small groups, life groups, cell groups, etc.. etc for the past 10 years. I didn't have a clue that this was going to change my life, and the way I had experienced it, forever.

You see someone, great, once told me that God does his best work in dark places (David Tieche).


AND, I was in a very dark place in January.
I was still mourning the loss of my church, that I had been attending for the past 16 years and coming to terms that since we had left, my life completely changed.
My friends changed, my future changed my hopes and dreams felt like they were shattered AND through all of this we were newly pregnant with baby #4. Honestly, we just felt alone.

It literally had felt like one of the darkest places that I had been in, since coming back to the Lord in 2004. I mean why would God do this to us, we had been faithfully serving and doing what we thought we were supposed to be doing. I thought I was doing everything right. I thought I was living the good life. I thought that I was doing "God's will."

I didn't know this at the time, but I was waaaaaay off course.



When we first started meeting I always felt a little beat up when I left. Not by anything Lil and Nicole would say. In fact they were the most gentle and most loving ladies that I got blessed with to embark on this scary journey.
It was more by myself. It was more of recounting my past week, and having to throw up all the junk that had been going on in my life.

Watching a UFC match was for the weak. Going to CR week after week and having to talk about the worst parts of yourself, was for the rare and brave.

And then having to do that in front of other people.. *^&#$%^#!! Talk about eating a piece of HUMBLE PIE!
Saying things like "Ya, I screamed at my children.. I overspent at Target and we went overdrawn in our account.. I avoid certain family members because they make me feel like choking them out!''

You know? The norm. Im sure no one else feels this way, just me. :)

Slowly, I was being chipped away. All my darkness all my secrets all my shame.... all being chipped away. And it felt so good. It felt free.

James 5:16 says,
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.

There is so much truth to that verse. 

SIDE NOTE: 

There was a family that I knew, that rented this beautiful house. Little by little her three daughters were getting severely sick, developing asthma, pretty soon everyone was suffering. They couldn't figure out what it was until they had their house inspected. 

Come to find out there was black mold growing inside their walls, basically everywhere. They couldn't see the black mold. It was behind these beautiful walls. But they knew something was toxic making them extremely ill.

The thing is black mold is deathly and grows in dark places. I mean, the stuff spreads like wild fire in the dark. Once its exposed to the light it becomes dormant. hmmm... exposed to the LIGHT!!

My point is...

The black mold that grows inside our lives, can make us deathly sick.

The stuff no one else can see. 

Once we are able to expose the darkest part of our hearts to people that love us and are willing to help us through the recovery process, we can get the healing we so rightly need. 

The past six months I was able to experience the healing that I needed. 

I was able to be honest with these two beautiful women and they graciously helped me get through some of the darkest moments in my life. 

But, more importantly I was able to be honest with myself. I was able to receive forgiveness from me.

Ya, I had made some mistakes in my journey. Mistakes that I had told myself were unforgivable. I believed the lie.. I was damaged goods. 

Somehow my great Savior was able to let me know that I was lovable and worth it. 

That this was all part of my story that He could use to help others, others who had gone through tragedies and brokenness just like me.

I am so grateful for God choosing me to have gone through all the things that I was able to, even the painful ones so that I can testify that He truly does "Make all things new." (Rev 21:15)

Tonight I get my chip. Not potato chip. My freedom chip that says "I completed my 12 steps!" 

I'm sure there are lots of other steps that I need to make in my life but I was brave enough to do the first 12 with my sistas and God's help.

I hope this little part of my life inspires you to be brave. Brave in a way that you are willing to fight the good fight and dig a little deeper to find a place where you can get rid of the black mold in your heart. For me, that was my Wednesday mornings with my warrior sista's! 

I leave you with this... 

Getting healing hurts, because you have to recount the past and dig through the garbage, all worth it to have that peace.

Camille out! 

xx

These are my brave warrior lady sista's at our "Celebration Breakfast!"

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Nap Time and Painful Growing

Nap time.. just the word sounds relaxing, doesn't it?
Ya, if you're over 30.. NOT WHEN YOU'RE 2!!

Yesterday's nap time was louder than Brazil and Mexico's FIFA match today.

Berlin has always been a wonderful sleeper, better than the other two kids but this past week we transitioned her into a toddler bed and Oh LORDY "YA'LL GONE MAKE ME LOSE MY MIND!"

It's been exhausting.

Usually the routine goes a little something like this-

We lay her down, we give her "Tony" which is her naked, bald doll that she named after one of our friend's then give her HER "Bayket" (her favorite one) then she falls asleep. Done.

Mamma is happy and mamma has some quiet time. Usually with a cup of coffee.<3

IMPORTANT RULE: If anyone messes with me during Berlin's nap time they are usually reprimanded and sent outside or in their rooms. I'm talking about the 4 legged kids and the 2 legged ones as well.

Like I said it all started with change/transition.

Apparently Berlin hates transition. She does't do well with change. She is not having it.
She must be a lot like her dad because I usually gracefully accept change:) (this is a lie)

I put her down yesterday. She got back up. I put her down. She kicked the door. I put her down. She tried to swing at me. I put her down. She threw Tony at me. I put her down. She threw a shoe at me. (Apparently Berlin has a little stash of shoes under her pillow)
Needless to say it was a nightmare. There were tears, tantrums and ungliness.. and that's just me.
Berlin was also crying, as expected, but she's 2, not 35. I literally felt like a failure. All because I couldn't get my 2 year old to nap. I seriously felt helpless.

Did I mention I felt like a failure? Just making sure you are with me on this.

It was so bad.

I tried to pray because I didn't know what else to do. I prayed a lot. Cried and then prayed some more.

AND... do you know what God told me??

He had the nerve to tell me I act like this when I'm in transition! PSHH! I was like..  "WHAAA?" "UMM NO I DON'T!"
 I do not throw tantrums when God is asking me to do something different than I've always done. I do not kick and scream when he asks me to change. Hello? Do you know who I am? I am a Proverbs 31 woman! HELLOO?? Doesn't that mean anything to you GOD?????

Once the denial wore off I was able to see maybe a little similarity.

I love Berlin. I know she's grown out of her crib. I know that her new toddler bed grows with her into a twin size bed. The crib is for babies and she's not a baby. She is a big girl. There is this brand new soft bed that all she has to do is EMBRACE it and she will love it. Why go back to the crib girl? You are outgrowing the crib... The crib has walls, it locks you in!! The new bed is elegant it's beautiful. It lets you go in and out as you please. It was made just for you! Trust mama- it's better.

I sometimes cage myself in by my own prison walls... fear, anxiety, co-dependency.. (just to name a few) and I get stuck. I get stuck a lot. I try to be free and do want to change but when God says to "Move in to the toddler bed" I get scared. I don't want to move because I don't know the "Toddler bed" I do however, know the crib. It's small and cozy and has all the right dings and dents just enough for it to feel comfortable. Just enough to cage me in.

We ask God for change, I mean we PRAY for change, we pray for a miracle in our lives to have that freedom that abandoned, reckless faith that would move the mountains of despair in our lives... but when God asks us for just a little bit of uncomfortableness, WE FREAK OUT and get mad at HIM!!
Like... How you gonna tell God.. "I'm uncomfortable. I can't do it." Do you even know the sacrifice that He went through so we could have complete freedom. And, If you don't...
google the word Jesus, or Cross.. ya you get it right?

For the love of God- I DON'T WANT TO STAY IN THE CRIB.
I may kick and scream but Lord have your way in me. Be patient with my tantrums and ungratefulness.
I so desire to grow.
But, we all know growing means growing pains, it means change. It means things will have to get uncomfortable for a while. THEY GET UGLY!

That's just part of the refining process. Don't be scared of it. Embrace it and take it all in. God, your father loves you so much that He isn't willing for you to stay a baby!

I'm not sure what that thing is for you... but I know what mine is. And, as I write this I'm still freaking out a little.. but know I need to embrace the change so I can grow into who God wants me to be.
All for His Glory.

What I've learned are these kind of growing pains are just temporary...

that is until he wants us to grow some more.

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Philippians 1:6

Camille (Out)



Berlin asleep with Tony during today's a little less stressful nap time

Hello there..

I am coming out..
Not out of my pj's

but out of my comfortable little box of a shell. 4 years ago I decided to do a blog. I had one post and literally froze and never wrote again. Here's the deal, It's hard for me to not be completely true, and since I wasn't ready I avoided. I feel that 4 years later, I am ready to be honest, raw and expose myself (haha I always laugh when I say that) so that people can see a light in a dark place. And by light I mean Jesus and by dark place I mean myself.

I'm a 35 year old youngen, who is married to (God bless him) a guy named Jason and we have 3 children (Celeste 16, Sage 12, Berlin 2) and one on the way, due in 8 weeks. We are dealing with teenage drama and toddler tantrums! IT'S ALL CRAZY UP IN OUR HOUSE!
We have dogs, chickens, cats, gardens, and drunk neighbors.. let's just say we are "Wanna be farmers" who live in the hood.

I love this crazy life of ours but sometimes it doesn't go as planned.. well let me be honest.. ALL THE TIME!

I'm passionate about Jesus and my hope for this blog would be somehow you would see an imperfect person who has loads of amounts of grace poured into her life to be the women she is today. I would hope that you would be inspired to be who God created you to be, whether that's a singer, an artist, a mom, a friend, a dog walker, a police officer... whatever it is you are somehow reading these parts of my dramatic life would give you hope to do it better!!

KNOW THIS: we are all children of the Father and our Identity is found in Him.
This statement actually took me about 35 years to learn.. and re learn.

WARNING:
If your looking for a Better Homes and Garden blog THIS ISN'T IT!!!
I can't be one of those bloggers that always has a clean kitchen with a perfect picture of her cooking with her children playing gently in the background and her husband winking at her in the corner. Nope that just can't be me because well, I don't have that life. I have a loud house, someone's always crying or barking.. there is always dishes in the sink, and my although my husband loves me, he's not winking at me he's probably trying to give me the look of "HELP ME!! THE KIDS ARE OUT NUMBERING US!"


I can promise honesty,  and a woman after God's own heart. And, that's about it.

Well, there you have it folks.. Nothing fancy, just me.

Camille out! (Get it? Like Seacrest out.. Ryan Seacrest.. Not funny?? Ok-_-)

p.s. Im not even going to proof read this bc I could care less about grammar.)

This is my family.. last year's Christmas photo op!

Hmmm testing and wanting to see how cool this looks. my back hurts bc the baby is on my lower left nerve and my dog is on my last nerve..